Expatriate Bitching Living

I got a message from a blog reader who is possibly moving to Holland - happy to share my knowledge. Got me thinking - not blogged in an age and felt the urge to update. I kind of stopped doing it as I found it had made me feel so negative - all I did was whinge about what was happening - pretty much didn't have anything good to stay and that kind of made me sad. Anyhow,

Just funny how things happen isn't it. Last Spring I was exhausted from our return from California and the constant uncertainty of what was happening. By April 1 we had taken the decision reluctantly that our only option was to stay here on a local contract for up to 2 years and buy a house. California wasn't going to happen as he worked out too expensive with the dollar the way it was - so glad didn't go now as our home might have burnt down and he'd probably be redundant now! Still would go back though. We considered an expat return to London (meant all costs paid and 6 months rent in a decent house) but he would have had to report to an ex colleague (and friend) and that wasn't at all the reason we had left London in 2002 for that to happen (Pride on both our parts got involved here) and it was clear if he did this then it would be a return and find another job.

So to some degree we took the easy option to have a year of some stability after the uncertainty of 2006 and early 2007.. I tried to find a proper paid job - frustrating. We tried to buy a house - disappointing and horrible at times - we made offers on 4 out of several hundred (if felt like) but missed out on each - didn't want to make a move on a house we didn't want nor get stuck with a property. By summer 2007 I knew we wouldn't find anything that would be ours to move in before October/ December and this would then defeat the object of being here only 2 more years. We managed to confirm renting the home we've lived in for 3 years for another year (at bloody too much and for little fxing service), and I had to put up with taking boy to school at the cost of 3 hours a day for me....still at least he begin to enjoy being there and the trauma of going has subsided!

June/ July 2007 I said tht was it - W had a year, a year of relative stability to get us out of being here - I've had enough and the compromises I would have to make to stay here for another 2 years for his company to possibly offer him a promotion were more than I was willing to make. I've made sacrifices for 5 years (nearly 6 now) and this was it, time for us to make a decision for us as a family.

So where are we - Spring 2008 and my deadline is looming - for the past 6 months I've had him asking why am I telling everyone I'm leaving - it does take him 6 months to catch up to my place in the thinking process (happened when I was pregnant too - 7 months gone and he says I don't want to be a dad - you're now surprised he's actually still alive and I follow hm around aren't you!)

I've gotten nasty and told him thats it me or Holland, that he takes the path of least resistance always, that he's going to hate being on his own. I've offered him the compromise - remain here in an organisation he feels some comfort in, a role that is kind of rewarding and may lead to something that he's worked for for 10 years but me and T are back in the UK. He cannot even contemplate being on his own - that's why I ended up in Cali for a silly amount of time - "I don't want to be alone" says the man who spent 3-4 months of that year (2006) leaving me on my own in a foreign country with a toddler.

I've even compromised with myself and said I can stick it out for another 6 months if I really have to as I don't want to have to decamp to live with my parents till he pulls his finger out and pays for somewhere to live in the UK or makes his mind up.

Anyhow he's actively looking for a role outside and Dubai has been mentioned (without prior discussion with me I hasten to add!) and now work are reshuffling as they dont' want him to leave (he's told them he must get out of Holland as I'm issuing threats) but the offer is still not what we want (4 years ago yes) but it gets us back to the UK with them paying some of costs (no 6 months rent) and then he's probably in a stronger place to find another role. However, everything in the UK has changed - economically especially that we are of course concerned that it could all go tits up after 6 years of relative financial comfort.

Would I do it all again.....? Probably not. Would I move somewhere else....? Probably would! The contradiction of this lifestyle.

However, I'm glad I'm pushing the agenda - my friend recently told me after 10 years following her man around he's dumped her and their 3 kids as he doesn't want a boring life???? At least mine is too frightened to think of leaving me! No seriously I realise what I have with him and he's capable of seeing what I do do for him and have given up. However, its horrific that a lot of expat partners make the sacrifices for the benefit of the partner's career and they hoep for hteir lives as a family overall and the relationship breaks down. It could have happened if she stayed home too but just beig told you're surplus to requirements when your thousands of miles from home stinks.

Just wanted to tell those who remember the trials and tribulations earlier in the year - that I had his parent/ teacher conference last week and his report - he's a normal boy needs some motivating and refocusing to get him to work, however, academically he's bright and he's beginning to integrate into the new class he's in. He still needs self help practice and development - he still has one or two of the other children doing things for him - I'm not going to change that in him he's just like his dad. Delegate to someone who wants to do it! It mainly girls that are mothering him too....no wonder he's going to stay as "useless" as he is. I'm a lot happier with his new teacher - she's been doing it 20 plus years, seem all type of child - takes it in her stride and is willing to come to their point of view to understand what they're thinking. Thankfully he's responding to her too.

Comparing him to one of his female cousins - she's 9 months older. Her recent school reports said she doesn't want to do anything (similar), is very bossy (not alike) and sorts out everyone else (nothing alike). Think there is a family trait of stubborness coming through though!

So he's just going to get settled and I'll be changing it all again!

He's been in tears this afternoon. It was going to happen wasn't it. We're not even a week in.

Why?

He had to go into his "hated" ex teacher's class this afternoon for joint class singing. He apparently screamed the place down, had to go back to his home class and have time out and still refused to join in.

I had promised him he didn't have to go back to Miss H's class. He's 4.5 yrs old, to him in black and white that is never, ever, again not even for socialising/ singing even with new teacher present.

I'm going to have to slightly amend the wording now for the next week. Its fine with Miss S, when you're with other children to have fun, singing, sport etc.

Fingers crossed.

I was a school intro meeting last night and had to laugh as his ex teacher told her captive audience about how much group 1 is about enhancing the child's self esteem and giving them space to settle into school... anyone read my blog earlier in this year for evidence of said???

We had 3 great weeks in England for our holidays - never thought in my life I would ever say that. It had been over a year since we had seen members of our close family - brothers, sisters, father, etc. The weather for the first 2 weeks was warm, dry and generally sunny so we were out all the time.

Got back a week ago to Holland and on the Friday night before we sailed I did not want to come back at all - first time I've felt like this to that degree ever. Partly I wasn't looking forward to the school drive and getting T settled back in.

Anyhow he's back at school and wow, he's got a different teacher at my request this year and he's been no problem to her or to me when he's being dropped off. Again, other parents from the class he was in previously have asked about my moving him and mentioned that they haven't been happy with his teacher's manner - so why has no-one said anything or done anything about it? The majority knew their children were moving up a year in July so left it and others?

I'm not counting my chickens fully, its only week 1 of school and his new teacher is settling them in - lots of younger/ new children in his new class and he could start his whining when teacher is expecting them to do what she wants a little more. However, he in general is happy to be back in school!

Just to mention I'm having trouble logging in to blog.co.uk - because of my aged MAC browser apparently so not being as responsive as I'd like to all friends postings...am trying to get it sorted.

My car went nowhere for practically 2.5 years of its life July 2004 - October 2006, pottered to the supermarket, couple of trips to UK/ Denmark but not regular long journeys or daily use. It then sat on the drive in all weathers October - December last year whilst we were in US. Come January I started commuting to T's school 30 kms away - 2 x round trips 5 days a week and a few speeding fines. February someone reversed into it - cost 1k euros to fix, side bulb went in parking lights (fine leave it till MOT later), then main lamp went - had MOT early and fixed them. Then come May squeaking brakes/ wheel when going around corners, steering off slight. Couldn't find anything wrong. Then my gear stick breaks - unknown stress to it caused it to break -not common fault - get that fixed and get them to check wheel again - stone found in drum - possibly squeak - no squeak worse and more persistent now and brakes unbelieveably tight. So 2 days in garage last week. Then today passenger side lamp goes! What is going on with the car! Oh guess what 3 year warranty ran out 2 weeks ago - it knows doesn't it.

However, I'm not whinging in writing this today. I'm so delighted with what happened. Majority of schools in area went on holiday on Friday last week - hence our town is nearly empty - the dutch take off in their caravans en masse to France, Denmark, Spain or pack into to Schiphol to get to warmer climes and trust me they've all gone this week with the crxp weather we've been having. So empty town, the garage were quiet. We can do it now, do you want to wait. Wait with a 4 year old obssessed with cars in a car showroom. Not sure I want to but.....we're going to drive to UK (via Ferry) on Saturday so want car done. OK. T was perfectly well behaved, played with the Lego they had. Someone gave me a cup of coffee and 20 mins later my car was done - all for the the price of parts only 29.99 Euros!? 20 Quid!!!!! When Holland is good, its great. If only customer service was like this all the time here!!!!! I love Sam Van Lingens. Still the salesman did give me a whole pack of brochures and plans for purchasing a new car soon. I'd like the new spider but don't think its going to do for a family car really. So if they could do a 4 seater convertible I'd be in there like a shot as would W and he's paying.

Right I had to moan, but in reality what the f do I have to moan about.

Alan is now 110 days into his capture and sitting around with a lovely belt on.

That and carnage could have happened in London on Thursday but thankfully didn't.

See the world is a shit but I'M ALIVE, I'M FREE AND PEOPLE DO LOVE ME.

Thinking of you Alan.

Its been an age since I last blogged and that was because I'd promised myself that I would only blog again when i had something good, positive, etc to report on!

Given up waiting - nothing happened that's really made me go wahay, super, fab.

This week for instance has been crxp. Monday turned down for a job, Tuesday turned down for a job, Weds a parking ticket and our latest house offer rejected, Thursday my dishwasher breaks down (this has to be the worst thing ever.....and there is a leak now, Friday my car is in the garage and has have a new gear box fitted (its not even 3 years old and its not like its overused?), Today his fxing company have sent him his new local contract in the post and its like some odourous, foul, pestulant creature sitting on the coffee table - I had to ask him to hide it as it just represents my life being imprisoned even more.

I'm off to the UK in august for 3 weeks holiday and if I can slip the noose I'm seriously considering not coming back - only problem I have no money, no job and nowhere to live.........(and my looks/ figure are going!)

That and the weather is crxp.......

I'm trying not to get OCD on this.....

This morning we go to school, slightly late on arrival so head into the corridor. Usual bedlam in the corridor of kids hanging coats, parents and teachers trying to get by.

T happy enough, then sees her/ hears her. Looks at me with eyes of fear and starts to head towards the exit saying I don't like Miss H. I stop him and get down to his height and speak with him to help calm him down as he's crying. Give him a hug and start to ask him to take his coat off and hang it. Miss C - the classroom assistant asks is everything all right and I look at her and say not really. All of a sudden Miss H has come from the classroom doorway to where we are and is there taking T's coat off him and grabbing him into the classroom? As per yesterday.....what can I say and why is this woman thinking she is capable of doing my role as a parent and not allowing me to manage the situation in a gentler manner? I think she is either a bully or just doens't have a clue, nor does she respect anyone else's point of view and I think she thinks I molly coddle him - I don't and I will not be judged by anyone on the evidence of maybe 5-10 mins per day of seeing me interact with my son who is usually in tears on arrival or departure from her classroom.

I also have to mention to her that I need to speak with her later on pick up as I can't do the appointment the school has set for me (no prior notification or consideration of geography/ journey/ work/ life issues) to do the parent conference tomorrow at 4.15 pm. What do I get back? Why not, what are my reasons for not doing it - not I hasten to say asked in a concilatory or helpful manner, rather a challenge as if I'm a child not handing my homework in. Instead of saying I don't have to justify to you what my reasons are, I try to explain that the arrangements I had made to attend have fallen through and I don't have childcare. She then says there is childcare on offer in the school in the gym, like I'm stupid not to know this. Oh say I , no-one told me that and its my first time to do this - I'd asked another mother who is the classroom mother if there was some arrangement and she had said that there wasn't. So I'm not reliant upon the schools usual lack of information I do go out and find out for myself. I am then told I'll have to swap with another parent - forgive me Miss H, but which other parent is going to be willing to take the 4.15 slot on Wednesday when school closes at 12.45? Oh yes she says. I then say I'm not willing to travel for 45 mins each way on a Wednesday afternoon just for a 15 mins interview. No answer as shes gone into the classroom manhandling my son.

I follow them into the classroom as I have his morning snack. I can't even speak with her as she's already sitting down at the head of the mat full of children with the classroom assistant with my sobbing son on her lap. I leave a note addressed to her on her desk. I want to discuss with her the issues that are apparent and get her pov on my son in the class. However she doesn't listen to me, she says black when I've said white and she seems to take it out on my son.

I'm seriously not happy. I am now in know that the other teacher who possibly could be a more suitable fit in the next class is leaving the school. So I'm questioning not just the teacher but why am I considering moving my life to be nearer to the school - the costs in volved of renting or buying in that area are 25% more than where we are when its no fxing good? The teacher alone is not an issue, but there are issues otherwise with the way the whole school is run; communication, feel, headmaster, telephone aerial in playground, etc that is really not right.

Teachers out there - is it normal to take a crying child's coat off whilst his parent is trying to calm him down? Would you do it, especially if you thought that the child was overly sensitive and had an issue about the transition of arrival at school? Or would you decide the parent is a mollycoddler and doesn't have a clue herself? Answers please?

T is doing full days at last. Yeah I might get some time to do things and a break from the driving. He returned to school last week after a week's holiday at end April/early May. First 3 days were great - guess why? His teacher was still on holiday for the first 2 and the Wednesday teacher is now a new lady who is lovely....so he was reallly having a nice time at school. I'd been asked to wait by his teacher for him to go full days after the holidays due to her not being there, and a number of other excuses....well he'd have stayed on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday without issue.... I knew his teacher would be in on Thursday and it would be an issue with her and with T to stay, however, I didn' t have to worry as I was in England for a couple of days and daddy had to deal with it. W told her he was working and didn't have the ability to pick T up at 1.30 and that as he is paying for him to come full time he was therefore staying till 3pm...oh get him. T proceeded to scream for an hour on his departure.....ha, ha. Not as he was staying but because it was Miss H and he thought she was n't coming in obviously and so had run happily into the classroom and ran straight back out when he saw it was her, saying I want to go home, i don't like miss H....(I got this from W).

Apparently in the end as teacher couldn't cope with T screaming he was put in next door class (same age group, nicer teacher) where he calmed down and remained for the rest of the day participating and enjoying himself. Interesting. Prior to the holiday's both T's teacher and the next door teacher had been discussing T and were considering moving him to the other teacher's group....I want it to be their idea (I know that sounds daft) but if I say I want it to his teacher she is so obtuse and awkward that she'd say the opposite and it wouldn't happen because I was suggesting it...it has to come from her with my support of course.

Crazy isn't it.

Friday he was apparently good for the half day he was there - he goes to swimming class at 1 pm.

Today he was great when I dropped him off and the feedback I got was he was joining in and participating mostly and had had a good day....well he'd had a clash with her before break as he wouldn't do sticking and she told me she'd given him an ultimatum of not going out if he wouldn't stick - he apparently stuck. However whilst she was telling me all this he was in floods of tears.... because of her. I arrived to the classroom door (external to playground) were there were a couple of mums and I stood slightly to the side. I don't know if she didn't see me or if she stage managed it....she called another boy, whose mother had arrived behind me? I'd arrived first? I moved slightly to ensure she realised I was there and it was me (different hair style - tied back and sometimes people don't recognise me) and T saw me and got up to come to the door and she shouted at him to wait....he burst into tears of course - devestated at being told off for doing something he didn't understand.....I couldn't believe it! If she wanted him to wait because she wanted to talk to me, then she could say to me - oh can I have a word, as T came to me - wasn't like we could run away without her having time to say something and of course I'd want a word after last week in my absence??? why did she have to speak to him so sharply for nothing (that is her manner and that is what causes him upset `and irritates me). I then am gently rubbing his head and saying don't cry, its okay, nothing wrong when she then says to me "Don't take any notice of him".....do I need her to tell me how to manage my child and his emotions. It just is so obvious to me she doesn't get him at all, she doesn't want to make any attempt to adjust her style to help him settle into school life (remember this is his first year of the next 15 and he is only 4), that her style just rubs me up the wrong way and that she does need to work on her communication skills, attitude and style....where does she get off telling a parent what to do with a 4 year old (their own child) who is crying?

Am I wrong in this?

Of course I want to respond but again public arena - a bunch of 4-5 year olds sitting at her feet and parents arriving behind me..... I want to say look your behaviour and action and directive manner affect my child and me....I am his parent and I don't need to be told how to handle his behaviour when he is crying - it wasn't put on, it was genuine upset at not understanding why he was being told off - her tone of voice... which in fact was a request to wait to mum not him. She is driving me mad and I need to see if we can move him into the other group.

Of course I don't want to go in and slag her off, but the evidence is he is unhappy when she is in the classroom as his teacher. He goes in with little problem and generally good feedback when there is any other teacher in his class - this could be one of 4 he has had to have inconsistently since he started in Janauary 2007. When she is back he is upset and in tears. Its just not fair to him nor her even.

Alan is doing a job as a journalist to ensure that a real reflection of life in Palestine is available for the wider world and should be allowed to continue in his work. I hope for him and for his family that he will be released unharmed soon.

If you wish to show your support for Alan you can add this banner to your blog or read further on this link

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/theeditors/2007/04/how_you_can_help.html